I’ve only been unemployed for a few weeks, but it feels like an eternity.  Perhaps it was because I knew I was being laid off several months before my job ended.  Perhaps time passes differently when you aren’t busy.  I don’t know.  Here are some things I’ve noticed:

1. I feel like being unemployed is defining me.  I feel like I should add “unemployed” to my description bar at the top of this site.  When people ask me how I am doing, or what’s new, all I can think about is how I’m looking for work.  Nothing else in my life seems to pop up into my head.  Part of this is the anxiety that always keeps unemployment on my mind, but part of it is the fact that I’ve always been someone who’s made my work life a priority.  I’m not a very active friend, hobbyist, traveller, etc.  I’m someone who works really fucking hard at my job, and then finds things to occupy my time when I’m not working.  This is something I’ve thought about in the past, and made half-hearted goals to be more social, outgoing, involved, etc.  But it has never become so apparent that I need this until my job went away and I was left hanging around the house wondering what other people do in their spare time.  I need to get a life, stat!

2. Even though I don’t have a job to go to, I seem to have less time in the day and get less done. It’s more than just the fact that I sleep in a little later.  It’s that I don’t have any  structure or schedule.  I wake up, surf the net, lounge around, and before I know it the day is over.  Normally this is part of what I love about vacation time…never feeling rushed, never having specific things that need to get done. But I find that I cannot function this way for very long.   The first week away from work, I imagined that I would have so much time to get things done…you know, the things you have in your head that you normally never get around to because you’re too busy.  But this did not come to fruition.  Instead of getting the house more clean and organized, it’s a disaster. I’ve been starting projects left and right and leaving a trail of craft supplies, tools and boxes in my wake.  I need to set some goals for myself, stat!

3. Searching for jobs on the Internet is not the best way to get a job.  I know this, and yet this is all I have been doing.  Mind you, I have been doing this seriously and methodically…spending hours online, scouring every source, keeping a spreadsheet of what sites I’ve searched on what date, which companies I’ve applied to, and which recruiters have my resume. So, I’ve done the best job on the worst way to get one.  Everyone everywhere is telling me that I need to network and tap into the “hidden job market”.  But truthfully, no matter how many resources I’ve seen telling me how to do this, I still don’t get it.  Do people really just cold call other business people and have lunch?  And how to you subtly tell someone you need a job without actually saying that?  The whole process seems phony to me, which means that I can’t pull it off.  I’m not confident in situations where I need to act cool when in fact I’m crapping myself because I thought I’d have a job by now.  So many people seem to be able to do this naturally. They have no problems talking to strangers, remembering names, making an impression.  These people mystify me.  I need to learn to network, stat!

4. I can’t relax.  I want to enjoy my time off without worrying about money and rent and my future, but I just can’t.  I see my coworkers spending every day enjoying themselves and having a blast, and I want some of that!  I am worried about the fact that I can’t stop worrying.  What is wrong with me?  This is also something that most people don’t have to TRY to do.  They just do it!  I’m not sure why socializing and trying new things can seem so stressful sometimes.  I need to relax and enjoy life, stat!

Here’s the other thing I’ve realized….figuring out that I need to work on these things is not enough to get it done. Staying at home, although boring,  is comfortable and easy. I can feel the rut forming…and I need to force myself out before it gets too deep.